"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves and it is exhausting for children to have to provide explanations over and over again"

I heard Zola for the first time in nine months. She has been telling me that a friend she values "always chooses other friends over her." Perhaps it was the use of "always" rather than a more accurate "often". Perhaps it was because I didn't want to see it. Perhaps it was because I thought I knew better. I am the adult and as an adult my vision is clear and unclouded. As her mother, I know that Zola is passionate. I blamed Zola for being too clingy, emotionally demanding and unwilling to share attention. I insisted that her friend liked spending time with her and insinuated that this was mostly about Zola's own insecurity, that in reality she wasn't really being rejected.

However, events over the past several weeks have opened my eyes. I began to watch her interactions between her preferred friend and a variety of other friends within the same social group. It became clear to me that Zola's perception was not wrong. In a situation where there was more than one girl, her friend often chose one of the other girl's company over spending time with Zola. I watched Zola make overtures only to receive both physical and verbal signals, sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant, that made it clear that she was not the preferred companion. After the 3rd time of seeing this dynamic play out, I began to look back over the last year at social situations where I have been physically present. I have vivid recollections of several other situations where the same or a similar dynamic occurred. Zola would try to engage and be ignored--back turning, walking away, pairing up on projects, etc. I stood there and watched her take the rejection without acknowledging that it was happening. Disturbing--not the rejection--that is part of childhood, part of learning to navigate the social world. All these girls are 8. They are figuring things out, even if it's brutal at times. What disturbs me is my inability to see the situation accurately, acknowledge that Zola was experiencing repeated rejection, and provide her with better emotional support and a broader set of options. That's what I am beginning to do now.

It has been a valuable learning experience for me. I hope that next time one of my children says something over and over and over--I will actually stop and listen to what they are saying. I hope that I will take time to quietly observe and try and understand where those feelings are coming from rather than assuming I know the reality of their situation better than they. The truth is they are at school for 7 hours a day and I have little or no idea what that environment is like for them. My hope is that when they ask me if their drawing scares me I will not respond "Why be scared scared of a hat?" (see The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery).